Grosey's Messages

Bitterness and Unforgiveness

Do you have a friend or family member who has been hurt by somebody and is struggling to forgive? Perhaps your loved one is waiting for their offender to show remorse before they let go of the offense. They may say, "I know God wants us to forgive others, but I just can't forgive that person until they apologize to me!"

As Christians, we're familiar with these words in the Lord's Prayer: "Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors" (Matthew 6:12). But what if our "debtor" refuses to apologize? Is it possible to forgive people who aren't sorry?

The world says people have to apologize and attempt to make things right—or at the very least show some remorse—to earn forgiveness. But the Bible says we have the power to forgive the people who hurt us, even if they don't apologize.

Perhaps you've also been deeply hurt, and you're struggling emotionally and spiritually as you wait for the person who hurt you to say "I'm sorry." Let me offer three powerful reasons to unconditionally forgive those who have wronged you, even if they're unwilling or unable to say "I'm sorry."

Unconditional forgiveness is biblical. In Mark 11:25, Jesus said, "Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions." If somebody has wronged you, Jesus said you're to forgive that person. It doesn't matter whether your offender is in the next room, the next state, or the cemetery—Jesus said you have the ability in your own heart to begin and end the forgiveness transaction.

In Luke 17:3, Jesus said, "If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him." Notice that Jesus didn't say, "If and only if he repents, forgive him." No, He was simply saying, "If somebody asks for your forgiveness, forgive them."

Repentance is your offender's responsibility; forgiveness is your responsibility. It takes two people to reconcile a relationship, but it takes only one person to forgive.

Unconditional forgiveness is practical.

Do you want to spend your life confronting everybody who wrongs you, demanding an apology so you can forgive and move on? Not only would that be uncomfortable, but it might be impossible. You may have lost touch with your offender, or perhaps they've died. Does that mean you're doomed to a lifetime of bitterness?

No. Unconditional forgiveness allows you to let go of the wounds of the past regardless of what your offender does. That doesn't mean they won't face any consequences. It means you're letting go of your right to hurt them for hurting you.

Unconditional forgiveness is beneficial.

 Have you ever been in a three-legged race? Your leg is tied to your partner's leg, and as you hobble toward the finish line, you think, If I could get free from this person, I could run a lot faster and farther. But you are bound to your partner. You can travel no faster and no farther than they can.

When you refuse to forgive, it's like you're binding yourself to your offender. You can go no farther and no faster in life than they're willing to travel. Your well-being depends on what they choose to do.

 

God designed forgiveness to free us from the people who hurt us. When we forgive, we're saying, "What this person did to me was wrong, but I don't want to be bound to them any longer. I'm letting God settle the score so I can get on with my life."

Has God brought to your mind somebody who has hurt you deeply? Perhaps you've lost touch with that person, or perhaps they're unwilling or unable to repent.

You don't have to be their prisoner any longer. God wants you to be free from the wounds of the past so you can "run with endurance the race that is set before [you]" (Hebrews 12:1). The way to experience that freedom is to forgive.

 

I've seen it a lot – church members who get angry at someone and then stay that way. I've seen people refuse to talk to each other at church, as if their silence is a godly adult reaction to disagreement. My heart breaks when I see such reactions because I've seen bitterness consume people for years. Here's why that happens: 

The enemy wants you to stay unforgiving so your prayers are hindered. Jesus' words were clear here: "And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven will also forgive you your wrongdoing" (Mark 11:25). Satan delights in anything that harms your own walk with God and halts your prayers. 

Your bitterness is sin. When you stay angry and unforgiving, you are living in disobedience. That sin has a way of becoming a foothold, and then a stronghold – even while you deceive yourself that your continual anger is just. 

Your stronghold of bitterness can quickly become an idol. If you choose to stay bitter when God demands a change of heart, you are choosing to serve your emotions over God's command. You may not have a carved idol sitting on a shelf in your living room, but you're just as much an idolater.  

You carry the bitterness wherever you go. Even when you separate yourself from the person who's offended you, the bitterness resides in you—and affects the rest of your life. 

Your bitterness affects every other relationship you have. Few of us are so intentional and strong that we can compartmentalize every relationship. Your bitterness affects all your relationships, even if only by others seeing your continual anger. 

Even stifled bitterness is still present in you. You may have pressed it down, but all someone needs to do is "push the right button" in you—and all that anger rises to the surface again. It's still there, slowly eating a hole into your soul. 

Our sinful egos naturally protect our "right" perspectives. Few people want to admit their own failures, especially when someone else has clearly been in the wrong. So, we refuse to forgive rather than even suggest that we may have been wrong. 

Bitterness hinders living in faith. Bitterness usually looks backward, but faith looks forward. It's hard to look in that latter direction with hope when bitterness has captured you.

Bitterness opens the door to other sin. That's just naturally the case—one unforsaken sin dulls our senses to the work of the Holy Spirit, and other sin begins to invade our lives. 

If you are holding on to bitterness today, I encourage you to repent and ask God to change your heart. Holding on to bitterness is not worth the cost.

 

I'm convinced one of Satan's tools in the church is to influence believers to get angry at each other – and stay that way. He knows that we will never threaten his kingdom as long as we're shooting each other in the back (Matt 6:14-15).

As you prepare for worship this weekend, take some time to answer these questions to see if you need to forgive someone. 

Has someone deeply hurt me or one of my family members? Many of us must answer "yes" to this question – which means that we also must (or have had to in the past) decide what we will do with our pain. Thus, we must ask the following questions, too. . . . 

Do I still get angry or anxious when I think about that person? The pain may be so recent that you've simply not fully worked through it yet, or it might be that you're just holding on to it because you feel justified in doing so.  

If that person has already passed away, am I justifying my continued anger? He or she's gone, so what's the big deal about dealing with your feelings now?  

Do I quietly hope that that person also hurts like I have? That's a harsh question, I know, but I've known people who would only "forgive" after their offender also experienced some kind of similar pain.  

Would I help that person if he or she needed ministry? An unwillingness to serve a perceived enemy is an indication of a disobedient heart. 

Can I pray for that person? I don't mean a "may God get you" prayer, of course. If that person is a non-believer, can you pray for him or her to be saved? If he or she is a believer, can you pray that God will use him or her for His glory?  

Would I be frustrated if God blesses that person? If you would dare wonder what God would be thinking if He blessed your enemy, your heart is out of tune with Him. 

Would I probably avoid that person at church this weekend? If so, you know you still have some forgiveness work to do.  

Am I willing for this post to confront me and convict me? What you do with this post will show you something about where you are. Increased anger is a sign that you need the Lord to keep working on your heart this weekend.