Grosey's Messages

Proverbs on Conflict Resolution

Romans 12:9-21    Law Grace reading Ephesians 4:17-32       Bible reading  Proverbs 25:8–28   Jude 24,25

We live in a world torn apart by strife and conflict at every possible lestvel: When Adam and Eve ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, the first evil they experienced was their lack of intimacy with each other… previously, Genesis 2:25 The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame That status went far beyond the issue of clothing… it had to do with honesty, integrity, trust, love, relational harmony… all those things were lost when they sinned: Genesis 3:7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. Soon, the relational discord spread from husband and wife to brother and brother. Cain and Abel both made offerings to God, but the Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering, but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor… so Cain became very angry—both with God and with Abel. Soon, that anger flowed out into murder: Genesis 4:8 Now Cain said to his brother Abel, "Let's go out to the field." And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him. This began a long road of conflict from human to human. It led to overwhelming violence in the days before Noah's flood: Genesis 6:11-12 Now the earth was corrupt in God's sight and was full of violence. 12 God saw how corrupt the earth had become, for all the people on earth had corrupted their ways.

And that road continues even to this day. We see conflict from nation to nation. WWI was supposed to be the "War to end all wars"… but a little more than twenty years after the Treaty of Versailles was signed, Europe was marching into an even more deadly conflict… WWII. When that war ended in two horrifying atomic blasts that incinerated two Japanese cities, and when the aftermath of the war revealed that six million Jews had been slaughtered by the Nazis, and Wikipedia lists 168 wars and armed conflicts that have plagued the world since the end of WWII…

The most deadly of these has been the Kivu conflict in the Congo Tutsis and Hutus , which has gone on from May of 2004.   But human conflict goes beyond the global kind… it disrupts workplaces, with strife between bosses and employees, and between co-workers themselves; it disrupts neighborhoods, with neighbors taking each other to court to solve interpersonal issues arising from sin; it pollutes governments, where political parties use slander and dirty tricks to destroy political enemies; and it extends to the place where it all began at the human level: MARRIAGE… where divorce continues to claim between 40-50% of all marriages.

The ROOT issue is SIN… and our broken relationship with God. Isaiah 57:20-21 But the wicked are like the tossing sea, which cannot rest, whose waves cast up mire and mud. 21 "There is no peace," says my God, "for the wicked." The Gospel of Jesus Christ is the ONLY ANSWER… only if we are RIGHT with God can we possibly end conflict between human beings: Romans 5:10 For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!

This RECONCILIATION with God makes it possible for sinners to be reconciled to each other through the shed blood of Jesus Christ: Ephesians 2:15-17 His purpose was to create in himself one new man out of the two, thus making peace, 16 and in this one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. 17 He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near.

So we Christians can truly be AT PEACE with one another!! But that doesn't mean that we need no help in the area of CONFLICT RESOLUTION… not at all!! We need all the help we can get!!

Proverbs stands in to give us amazing insight into the origin, nature, and resolution of conflicts between sinners

I. God's Attitude Toward Dissension

Proverbs 6:16-19 There are six things the LORD hates, seven that are detestable to him: … a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.

HATE is a strong word… but it is an ACCURATE reflection of God's heart attitude toward strife, conflict and dissension. The unity God intends between people is pictured by the perfect unity that exists in the Trinity.  There is never a shadow or shade of conflict, never a disagreement, never a dissenting vote or minority report… there's not a single issue on which there is the slightest variation of opinion from Father to Son to Holy Spirit . Still less is there any kind of jealousy, arguing, fighting, or warfare

So God HATES the conflicts that so obviously characterize human relationships. The full effect of the gospel is to bring sinners into a perfect relationship not only with Himself but with a countless multitude from every nation on earth.

II. The Devastation of Human Conflicts

Prov 17:1 Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife.

Prov 21:9 Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

It would be better to undergo the most extreme privations than to live in a house of strife… better to eat the moldiest piece of bread than to sit at a lavish feast when there is strife.  So also marriage is ruined by a husband or wife who is quarrelsome… it would be better to roll out your sleeping bag in the attic than to live with such a spouse… strife and conflict ruin marriages. The biggest problem with human conflict is how difficult it is to recover from:

Prov 18:19 An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city, and disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel.                       These verses and many others speak of how dangerous human strife is.

III. What Causes Fights and Quarrels Among You

A. Pride          13:10 Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.

I heard of a mother who had a little boy who'd been known to misbehave. She sent the little boy to a birthday party and said, "Now, I've told Mrs. Jones that if you misbehaved, to send you home early, and I'm going to punish you if she has to do that." The little boy went off to the birthday party, and in about 15 minutes, he was back home. Boy, I mean, she flew off the handle; she took the little kid and skinned him—I mean, just whipped him good. And then, she said, "And, what did you do that Mrs. Jones sent you home?" He said, "I didn't do nothing." He said, "the party ain't 'till tomorrow." "He that answereth a matter before he heareth it" (Proverbs 18:13).

B. Instant Annoyance  12:16 A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.

C. Anger   15:18 A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.

29:11 A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.

Years ago I heard a little thing about a dog named August who was always jumping at conclusions. One day he jumped at the conclusion of a mule. It was the last day of August. He that "answereth a matter before he heareth it" (Proverbs 18:13)—the Bible says, "He's a fool" (Proverbs 14:17).

29:22 An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins.

D. Words 18:21 The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

1. Many words 10:19 When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.

2. Reckless words 12:18 Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

3. Harsh words 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

4. Deceitful words 15:4 The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.         25:23 As a north wind brings rain, so a sly tongue brings angry looks.

5. Gossip      16:28 A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.

Prov 25: 9 Argue your case with your neighbor himself, and do not reveal another's secret, 10 lest he who hears you bring shame upon you, and your ill repute have no end.

6. Insults  11:12 A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue.

E. Hatred   10:12 Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs.

F. People Who Love a Quarrel  17:19 He who loves a quarrel loves sin; he who builds a high gate invites destruction.   20:3 It is to a man's honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel.

26:21 As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife.

27:15-16 A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; 16 restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand. [see also 19:13, 21:9, 21:19, 25:24]

G. Unforgiveness      17:9 He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.

H. Misunderstanding (poor listening!!) 18:13 He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame.

I. Alcohol (or drugs) Prov 23:29-35 Who has woe? Who has sorrow? Who has strife? Who has complaints? Who has needless bruises? Who has bloodshot eyes? 30 Those who linger over wine, who go to sample bowls of mixed wine.

J. Adultery Prov 6:32-35 for jealousy arouses a husband's fury, and he will show no mercy when he takes revenge. 35 He will not accept any compensation; he will refuse the bribe, however great it is.

K. Provocation from Fools   27:3 Stone is heavy and sand a burden, but provocation by a fool is heavier than both.     L. Greed     28:25 A greedy man stirs up dissension, but he who trusts in the LORD will prosper.  Prov 25:16 If you have found honey, eat only enough for you, lest you have your fill of it and vomit it.

The Book of Proverbs gives an amazingly thorough list of the root causes of conflict

Pride, annoyance, anger, words, hatred, people who love a quarrel, unforgiveness, misunderstandings, alcohol, adultery, provocation, greed… These types of sins are at the root of every human conflict in history—both between a husband and wife, brother to brother, neighbor to neighbor, nation to nation

III. How to Avoid Conflicts

Since conflicts are so incredibly costly, so deadly dangerous, how can we best avoid them according to the Book of Proverbs? Certainly the gospel gives us the power to recover from conflicts, to heal and forgive and move on; to restore broken relationships… But isn't it better to AVOID the damage caused by conflict? Benjamin Franklin said "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure"… sure enough, Proverbs speaks of how to live a life more free of conflicts because of the wisdom in your heart

A. Be Patient & Even-tempered (have a long fuse)

Prov 14:29 A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly.

Prov 16:32 Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.

Prov 17:27 A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.

Prov 29:11 A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control. "Seest thou a man that is hasty in his words? there is more hope of a fool than of him" Proverbs 29:20. So, what you need to do is just cool it. Don't be in such a hurry. You say, "Well, I can't help it. I just can't control it." Don't tell me that you can control it. You can control it. Don't tell me you can't. Have you and your wife ever been in one of those discussions that can be heard for about a block away? And, I mean, you're just right into it—I mean, really in to it. You are just out of control, you think. And then, the telephone rings. You pick up the phone: "Hello." How do you do that? I mean, how do you just turn it off just like that? I'll tell you how: because your pride doesn't want to let the person on the other end know that you're in an argument. You can control it—you can. You choose not to control it sometimes, and you get yourself in all kind of trouble.

B. Forebearence

Prov 12:16 A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.

Prov 19:11 A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.

20:3 It is to a man's honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel.

Prov 15:18 A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.

Where do you get patience and forbearance from?

James 5: 4 Behold, the wages of the laborers who mowed your fields, which you kept back by fraud, are crying out against you, and the cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of the Lord of hosts.5 You have lived on the earth in luxury and in self-indulgence. You have fattened your hearts in a day of slaughter.6 You have condemned and murdered the righteous person. He does not resist you.

7 Be patient, therefore, brothers, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient about it, until it receives the early and the late rains.8 You also, be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand.9 Do not grumble against one another, brothers, so that you may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing at the door.10 As an example of suffering and patience, brothers, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord.11 Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful.

Note the witnesses that God will call on that day of judgment. First, the rich men's wealth will witness against them (James 5:3). Their rotten grain, rusted gold and silver, and moth-eaten garments will bear witness of the selfishness of their hearts. There is a bit of irony here: the rich men saved their wealth to help them, but their hoarded riches will only testify against them. The wages they held back will also witness against them in court (James 5:4a). Money talks! These stolen salaries cry out to God for justice and judgment. God heard Abel's blood cry out from the ground (Gen. 4:10), and He hears this stolen money cry out too. The workers will also testify against them (James 5:4). There will be no opportunities for the rich to bribe the witnesses or the Judge. God hears the cries of His oppressed people and He will judge righteously. This judgment is a serious thing. The lost will stand before Christ at the Great White Throne (Rev. 20:11–15). The saved will stand before the Judgment Seat of Christ (Rom. 14:10–12; 2 Cor. 5:9–10). God will not judge our sins, because they have already been judged on the cross, but He will judge our works and our ministry. If we have been faithful in serving and glorifying Him, we will receive a reward; if we have been unfaithful, we shall lose our reward but not our salvation (1 Cor. 3:1–15).

Three times James reminded us of the coming of the Lord (James 5:7–9). This is the "blessed hope" of the Christian (Titus 2:13). We do not expect to have everything easy and comfortable in this present life. "In the world ye shall have tribulation" (John 16:33). Paul reminded his converts that "we must through much tribulation enter into the kingdom of God" (Acts 14:22). We must patiently endure hardships and heartaches until Jesus returns. James used two different words for patience. In James 5:7–8, 10 it was the word long-tempered. The words endure and patience in James 5:11 literally mean "to remain under" and speak of endurance under great stress. Patience means "to stay put and stand fast when you'd like to run away." Many Greek scholars think that "longsuffering" refers to patience with respect to persons, while "endurance" refers to patience with respect to conditions or situations.

Be Patient by remembering the Profit

The farmer had to wait many weeks for his seed to produce fruit. Why did he willingly wait so long? Because the fruit is "precious" (James 5:7). The harvest is worth waiting for. "to due season we shall reap, if we faint not" (Gal. 6:9). Here, then, is a secret of endurance when the going is tough: God is producing a harvest in our lives. He wants the "fruit of the Spirit" to grow (Gal. 5:22–23), and the only way He can do it is through trials and troubles. Instead of growing impatient with God and with ourselves, we must yield to the Lord and permit the fruit to grow. We are "spiritual farmers" looking for a harvest.

Nor does the farmer get into fights with his neighbors. One of the usual marks of farmers is their willingness to help one another. Nobody on the farm has time or energy for disputes with the neighbors. James must have had this in mind when he added, "Don't grumble against each other, brothers, or you will be judged" (James 5:9 niv). Impatience with God often leads to impatience with God's people, and this is a sin we must avoid. If we start using the sickles on each other, we will miss the harvest!

We must never think that obedience automatically produces ease and pleasure. Our Lord was obedient, and it led to a cross! The prophets encourage us by reminding us that God cares for us when we go through sufferings for His sake. Elijah announced to wicked King Ahab that there would be a drought in the land for three and one-half years, and Elijah himself had to suffer in that drought. But God cared for him, and God gave him victory over the evil priests of Baal. It has been said, "The will of God will never lead you where the grace of God cannot keep you."

You are not on your own!  The prophets in the Old Testament endured patiently. So can you.

But have not many faithful Christians suffered and died without any notice or recognition? Yes, but when Jesus returns, these "obscure heroes" will receive their rewards. The prophets were killed and buried, but today their names are honored. When our Lord comes again, He will bring His reward with Him (Rev. 22:12).

The important thing is that, like the farmer, we keep working, and, like the prophets, we keep witnessing, no matter how trying the circumstances may be. Job (5:11–12) "As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered"(James 5:11 niv). But you cannot persevere unless there is a trial in your life. There can be no victories without battles; there can be no peaks without valleys. If you want the blessing, you must be prepared to carry the burden and fight the battle.

Prov 25:21 If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat, and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink,

22 for you will heap burning coals on his head, and the LORD will reward you.

Use Gentle, Healing Words

Prov 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Prov 15:4 The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.

Prov 17:27 A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.

You can say to her, "When I look into your face, time stands still, or you can say, "You've got a face that'd stop a clock"—same thing. "A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver. As an earring of gold, and an ornament of fine gold" (Proverbs 25:11–12)—something that can be worn, something that can be displayed, and something you don't have to be ashamed of. "As the cold of snow in the time of harvest…" (Proverbs 25:13). "a word fitly spoken"—"a word fitly spoken" (Proverbs 25:11). That means prudence. Go back to Proverbs chapter 15, and look with me in verse 1 while we're on this same subject: "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger" (Proverbs 15:1). Your words can smother an argument, or your words can be like pouring kerosene on a fire. "A man hath joy by the answer of his mouth: and a word spoken in due season, how good is it!" (Proverbs 15:23).

Next Sunday:   Learning The Wisdom To Forgive