Grosey's Messages

Almost every husband I know has a story about how his wife rescued him. I don't mean a dramatic feat of strength and cunning where she swoops in at the last moment to save him from some life-threatening disaster. Usually, she rescues him from himself. By her wisdom and tact, she keeps him from doing or saying something that he would later regret. In fact, I recall two particular situations that could have turned very ugly were it not for Cynthia's kind, understated but firm counsel.

Back when our youngest son, Chuck, was about to become a teenager, my involvement in preaching, publishing, teaching on the radio, being on the road, and church ministry was becoming more than I could handle. I hadn't learned the discipline of saying no, so I had days that kept me busy from very early in the morning to long past Chuck's bedtime. I say to my shame that my wife and children—the most important people in the world to me—were left with the crumbs of my time and energy.

Cynthia saw it long before I did and had been growing more concerned about one particular aspect of my neglect: our youngest, Chuck. Being the wise partner she is, she carefully selected the right moment to correct my perspective. When offering a reproof, remember that the goal is to be heard, not to prove that you're right and the other person is wrong. She knew my moods and when I would be able to hear her counsel without feeling attacked. And she presented it in a way that would give no reason for me to feel defensive.

"Are you aware of how much time you spent with Curt [our oldest son] and how little you're spending with Chuck?" she asked, "I remember looking out the front door several years ago and seeing you and Curt playing catch or touch football or batting practice until it was dark. And you were at most of his practices, all his games, and any special occasion that came along. But," she continued, "you very seldom do any of that with Chuck."

Even though she was right, I became defensive. I wasn't really open as I should have been . . . until I got alone and thought about it. Fortunately, the result of that rescuing experience was wonderful. She spoke at just the right time, which became a pivotal moment for me as a father and as a husband. That conversation led to a much closer relationship with Chuck than I would have had otherwise. She rescued me. Or, as we sometimes say, she saved my neck.

More recently, I found myself increasingly at odds with a brother in the Lord who lives in another state. The offense started small, but then a number of other events added to my agitated feelings. Even though we were close enough for me to bring it to his attention, I hadn't said anything. Then, something more significant happened that prompted me to sit down one Saturday afternoon and write a letter. I wanted it to be firm and fair, while leaving sufficient room for grace, so I edited it and then rewrote it. I did that more than a few times until it was just right. I spent well over two hours preparing my written reproof. I had other things to do, but this was important.

When I finished, I decided to sit down Saturday night and read it to Cynthia. We share almost everything, so this was par for the course. I read the letter with all the passion and feeling that had gone into my writing it. She listened and nodded her agreement with much of it as she affirmed my perspective. Clearly, she understood.

When I finished, she didn't say much, but she offered this advice: "You know, honey, if I were you, I would sleep on that letter before I mailed it. Everything you say is true, and I don't think it's exaggerated, but it's awfully strong. And I think you may regret it if you mail it."

Well, I didn't sleep on it. I lay awake on it—all night. It churned in my stomach as I turned in the bed. Early the next morning, I unfolded the letter and read it again. And before Sunday passed, I tore it up. I'm so glad I did. He didn't need my letter, and little of what I had to say would have been helpful in the long run. In fact, the issues were resolved through a set of circumstances that never would have happened if I had sent that written missile.

Once again, Cynthia saved her husband's neck. That's one of the great benefits to having a solid marriage, where the communication lines stay open. You can face the challenges of life with a partner who loves you unconditionally, who will look out for your very best, even when you can't . . . or won't.

THE WOMAN NAMED ABIGAIL AND THE MAN NAMED FOOL

This is the story of Abigail, the woman who saved her husband's neck. And I don't mean figuratively; I mean literally. She rescued him from a violent death, a peril he brought upon himself by his own foolishness. First Samuel 25 unfolds this account of passion, danger, irony, and intrigue. It reminds me of a classic Western movie, with wide-open country; gritty heroes on horses; a tough, beautiful heroine; and a crusty, hard-hearted villain who complicates life for everyone. Only this story is not fiction, and it revolves around three very complex, conflicted characters who wound up on a collision course. Allow me to introduce each of them.

THE HERO

Think of this as a movie. As the overture concludes, the camera pans across a vast, rugged wilderness, where might makes right and rough-hewn people survive without the help of government and laws. The camera slowly zooms in on a handsome, young warrior standing in front of several hundred battle-hardened soldiers. The warrior's name is David.

Then Samuel died; and all Israel gathered together and mourned for him, and buried him at his house in Ramah. And David arose and went down to the wilderness of Paran.

1 SAMUEL 25:1

By this time, David had killed Goliath, received his anointing as the king of Israel, and taken to living in the wilderness to avoid jealous King Saul, whose heart was set on murder. We read of Saul's long, slow decent into evil in the previous chapter. Part of that downfall was his utter contempt for David, who had served him faithfully. Instead of showing gratitude, Saul turned on the young man and wound up trying to murder him. For years, David lived in the most rugged places in Israel, places that were too difficult for an army to survive long enough to track him down.

As I wrote in the first chapter, David attracted a band of four hundred fighting men, whom he trained in the cave of Adullum. By the time of this story, that number has grown to six hundred. These were sharp, seasoned warriors living on the edge of trouble; but under David's leadership, the random collection of malcontents had become a disciplined fighting force. After moving to the wilderness of Paran, they became the self-appointed peacekeepers and lawmen of the region. Their services were both needed and appreciated.

The wilderness of Paran lay to the very far south of Israel, down below the Dead Sea, just above Sinai. We would call it no man's land. It was too far from anything to be influenced by government, so anyone living there had to fend for themselves. Any flocks or herds that grazed in the wilderness of Paran would become victims of thievery or wild beasts were it not for David and his troops. Fortunately for the businessmen who owned herds and flocks, these men had taken it upon themselves to police the southern frontier.

This arrangement was not without tradition, and the custom was that the peacekeepers would not demand payment for their services. However, as a matter of integrity, the businessmen would voluntarily offer compensation out of gratitude. To withhold payment would be like failing to tip a waitress for the service she provides. If she does a fair job, the tip would be modest. If she does a great job, the tip should be generous. In this case, the protection that David provided was superb. None of the herds or flocks were harmed. None of them were taken by thieves. Since sheep-shearing time was payday, it was the right time to gently remind the businessmen of the protection they enjoyed.

THE ANTAGONIST

Now imagine that the scene shifts from the wilderness to the trading center of Carmel, where businessmen gather to buy and trade. Bales of wool are being loaded onto beasts of burden in the background, while a shrewd entrepreneur, wearing the very finest clothes and a satisfied smile, fondles a silver coin—one of the many he made that day. His eyes are hard. He's savvy in the ways of making money, but in every other respect, he's boorish and smug. Despite his condescending manner, he's very popular . . . because he's very rich.

Now there was a man in Maon whose business was in Carmel; and the man was very rich, and he had three thousand sheep and a thousand goats. And it came about while he was shearing his sheep in Carmel (now the man's name was Nabal, and his wife's name was Abigail. And the woman was intelligent and beautiful in appearance, but the man was harsh and evil in his dealings, and he was a Calebite.)

1 SAMUEL 25:2–3

The name Nabal is the Hebrew word for "fool." It's the same word used throughout the proverbs and other wisdom literature to refer to churlish, rude, ignorant, dishonest, belligerent, obstinate, stupid people. It's unlikely that this was the name given to him by his mother. The biblical writer may have used this as a nickname for the man, but it also could have been the name people used behind his back. Verse 3 is a parenthetical aside to the reader, in which the writer says, "Oh, by the way, the man's name is Fool."

Regardless of how he came by his name, Nabal lived up to it. He was a bigoted, stubborn, rigid, prejudiced, and underhanded businessman. On top of it all, the man was a tightwad. Aside from all that, I suppose we could say that Nabal was a fine gentleman.

THE HEROINE

Finally, the scene fades from the bustling trade center in Carmel to a homestead just a few miles south in Maon. The music softens, and a stunningly beautiful woman steps into the picture. Her dark hair and exquisite features frame a pair of eyes that only hint at the wisdom at work behind them. She is as industrious and ingenious as she is beautiful. Her name is Abigail, which means "my father is joy."

Though the woman was intelligent and beautiful, her husband was harsh and dishonest in his dealings. From our modern perspective, we wonder how a woman like Abigail could end up married to a klutz like Nabal. The irony here is painful. A woman having noticeable wisdom, married to a loser named Fool. But in those days, marriage was a business arrangement between fathers, not the culmination of courtship and love like today. Now, don't believe what the revisionists of history would tell you. Most of the time, the marriage worked out beautifully. Fathers loved their daughters and took great care to choose a man who would not only provide for and care for his daughter, but love her and treat her tenderly. And almost always, a genuine love grew between the couple very quickly.

However, people then, just as today, could be fooled. Abigail sounds like she came from a good home, but her father didn't see the obvious character flaws in his future son-in-law. This was a terrible marriage and, as a result, Abigail suffered. But you wouldn't know it to see her.

THE CRISIS

As the story unfolds, we can see and admire Abigail's display of remarkable poise and keen judgment:

And it came about while he was shearing his sheep in Carmel . . . that David heard in the wilderness that Nabal was shearing his sheep. So David sent ten young men; and David said to the young men, "Go up to Carmel, visit Nabal and greet him in my name; and thus you shall say, 'Have a long life, peace be to you, and peace be to your house, and peace be to all that you have. Now I have heard that you have shearers; now your shepherds have been with us and we have not insulted them, nor have they missed anything all the days they were in Carmel. Ask your young men and they will tell you. Therefore let my young men find favor in your eyes, for we have come on a festive day. Please give whatever you find at hand to your servants and to your son David.'"

When David's young men came, they spoke to Nabal according to all these words in David's name; then they waited.

1 SAMUEL 25:2, 4–9

I appreciate the tactful way David went about this. First, he didn't gallop at full tilt to Carmel with all six hundred men on stallions, demanding payment. This is a quiet reminder that Nabal's profit at the market would not have been nearly as high were it not for David's protection. Furthermore, David extended remarkable honor to the man, recognizing his station as a nobleman. And he did it with incredible humility, considering that the throne of Israel would one day be his. Don't miss the fact that he didn't expect a specific amount. The request was, in essence, "Give whatever you think is fair."

If this were a bill, I would call it a very gracious, considerate statement. I don't remember ever getting anything like this from the people who manage the electric company.

Dear Mr. Swindoll,

Peace be upon your home and to your family. You have enjoyed electricity in your home, lo, these many weeks. Since we have expenses we must pay, do you think you might be able to help us with those? Please return the enclosed envelope with anything you care to send.

May God bless you,
Your humble servants at the power company

I think I'd faint. Normally it says, "Pay now! Put it in here! Send it by this date, or we'll shut your power off and charge you an extra heap to turn it back on!" David didn't do that. He said, in effect, "Send whatever you think is fair and we will receive it with gratitude. Shalom."

Nabal's response could not have been more insulting:

But Nabal answered David's servants and said, "Who is David? And who is the son of Jesse? There are many servants today who are each breaking away from his master. Shall I then take my bread and my water and my meat that I have slaughtered for my shearers, and give it to men whose origin I do not know?" So David's young men retraced their way and went back; and they came and told him according to all these words.

1 SAMUEL 25:10–12

Take note of Nabal's response. Look for clues to his character. Don't be fooled by his first question. He knew very well who David was. This was meant to disparage David as having no pedigree. Nabal, on the other hand, was a direct descendant and heir of the great Caleb, something akin to having George Washington as your ancestor with the deed to Mount Vernon in your name. Caleb stood with Joshua during the Exodus and urged Israel to take Canaan as the Lord promised. Later, after the wilderness wandering, at the age of eighty-five, he stood in the southern frontier of the land and said, "Give me that hill country!"

Asking, "Who is David?" and "Who is the son of Jesse?" was a calculated slap in the face—both for David and his lineage. Of course, we know that David was destined to become Israel's king, but very few people knew that at the time. So, this was like saying, "You're a nobody! You come from nothing. Who are you to be talking to someone as important as I?"

Nabal's next comment takes aim at David and his followers. It was a very clever jab insinuating that they were all no better than slaves (the lowest people in society), and that they were a ragtag rabble who were disloyal to both Saul and Israel.

Then he completed the insult with a final flourish. "Shall I then take my bread and my water and my meat that I have slaughtered for my shearers, and give it to men whose origin I do not know?" In other words, "I prefer to give the reward of labor to those who earned it, not a bunch of hooligans trying to extort a living from real producers like me."

Notice the response of David's men. No fighting. No arguing. They simply leave.

Nabal went back to trading, socializing, and reveling in the success earned in part by David. Being habitually oblivious, he probably thought everything would carry on as usual. While the festival in Carmel continued, an emotional earthquake shook the desert, and David was its epicenter. He was not yet the mature man of God that he would become. It would take many more years in the desert to temper his steel. He was still rough and uneven. In 1 Samuel 24, he showed supernatural restraint in sparing the life of Saul, whom he still regarded as "the Lord's anointed." But in chapter 25, we see a different David. The heart of a passionate man of war beats his chest. And the impudent response from the thankless Nabal brought out the worst in him.

This was not David's best moment. His reaction was a rash act of the flesh, not a prompting by the Spirit of God. The Lord may act severely and His judgment may be swift, but He is never rash.

Let me offer this as a quick aside. Be careful to test what you may think to be a prompting from the Lord. He doesn't speak to us audibly as He did in those days, and what may feel like a compelling unction from the Holy Spirit may just as well be your own hidden desire. It is true that you have living within you the Holy Spirit of Almighty God, and He always gives good guidance. But you also carry with you many pounds of carnal flesh that makes wrong seem right. A transformed mind will tell the difference, but that doesn't take place overnight. Maturity comes with time and experience; it's a product of a growing intimacy with the Almighty.

So I urge you to put your promptings to the test. The Lord will honor His truth by confirming it for you. Refuse to act impulsively. Instead, weigh your words carefully, sleep on decisions having significant consequences, and remain open to reproof. Does Scripture affirm the wisdom and morality of your choice? Do the wise, godly people in your life have any objections? What has your own past experience taught you? Have you asked the Lord to examine your heart over the matter and then prayed quietly?

David did none of that. Instead he issued the order, "Each of you gird on his sword." He left two hundred troops to guard the camp, while four hundred and one took off in a cloud of dust for the shearing festival in Carmel. Soon the ground outside Nabal's tent would be soaked with his blue blood. And not only his, but that of his sons too. This was a massacre in the making.

THE PLOT DEEPENS

Meanwhile, an unnamed servant who overheard Nabal's insults slipped silently out of Carmel to alert Abigail. Notice that he didn't talk to Nabal. You get nowhere talking to a man named Fool. But he knew that Abigail would listen because that's what intelligent people do. They listen—especially to servants:

But one of the young men told Abigail, Nabal's wife, saying, "Behold, David sent messengers from the wilderness to greet our master, and he scorned them. Yet the men were very good to us, and we were not insulted, nor did we miss anything as long as we went about with them, while we were in the fields. They were a wall to us both by night and by day, all the time we were with them tending the sheep. Now therefore, know and consider what you should do, for evil is plotted against our master and against all his household; and he is such a worthless man that no one can speak to him."

1 SAMUEL 25:14–17

That last statement is telling, isn't it? I'm taken back by how casually the servant speaks of Nabal's worthlessness to his wife. Yet, in Hebrew culture, she must show him honor and respect, both in private and with his servants. What an awful existence. How tragic it is to live under the authority of a person who won't listen and doesn't even have his servants' respect.

Do you live with someone like that? Were you reared by a mother or father who simply could not be wrong? Do you have a grown child, now an adult, who will not listen? Do you have a spouse who is completely out of touch with how he or she affects others? If so, then you understand why that is one of the most difficult situations in life to endure. You can't get through to them. You know before you begin to communicate that they're going to shut out your words. And they have a dozen reasons why what you say is wrong. Nabals still exist.

Allow me an extra measure of imagination with this next comment, OK? Abigail could have thought, Oh, my. David's on his way to kill Fool? God moves in mysterious ways, His wonders to perform! But she didn't go there. And I'm impressed with her integrity. She chose to protect her husband, not because he deserved it, not because he was good, but because she was good. Despite how bad a husband he had been, she chose to remain honorable in her role as his partner . . . even when he was not present.

If you're in a situation similar to Abigail's, you know how hard that is to do. And you may be growing weary, wondering, How long, Lord? You may have periodically given up and behaved poorly—reacting with hostility or subtly getting revenge here and there. I don't mean to judge your reaction as I convey what Scripture teaches by Abigail's model. She could very easily have done nothing, and we would have little cause to blame her. But her incredible response is worthy of study and emulation. Amazingly, she immediately put a plan in motion that would protect her husband from harm. This is one remarkable lady!

Then Abigail hurried and took two hundred loaves of bread and two jugs of wine and five sheep already prepared and five measures of roasted grain and a hundred clusters of raisins and two hundred cakes of figs, and loaded them on donkeys. She said to her young men, "Go on before me; behold, I am coming after you." But she did not tell her husband Nabal.

1 SAMUEL 25:18–19

She put together a meal big enough to feed an army . . . literally! No one prompted her; no one suggested she intercede for her husband. In fact, she never told him what she was doing. Of course, he probably would have stopped her if she had. This intelligent, beautiful, unselfish woman moved to save her husband's neck because that's what a good mate does. And all the while, she was mentally preparing her speech for David.

THE CLIMAX

It came about as she was riding on her donkey and coming down by the hidden part of the mountain, that behold, David and his men were coming down toward her; so she met them. Now David had said, "Surely in vain I have guarded all that this man has in the wilderness, so that nothing was missed of all that belonged to him; and he has returned me evil for good. May God do so to the enemies of David, and more also, if by morning I leave as much as one male of any who belong to him." When Abigail saw David, she hurried and dismounted from her donkey, and fell on her face before David and bowed herself to the ground.

1 SAMUEL 25:20–23

All of the tension in the story has been building to this moment. The two men were about as opposite as men can be, yet they have behaved in similar ways. Both were obstinate, proud men. Each believed the other to be a fool. Both allowed anger to rule their judgment. Each shot off his mouth about the other. Both acted rashly, led by impulse rather than good sense. But here, at the climax of the story, who did Abigail approach to resolve the conflict?

Her only hope was to appeal to David. She knew that speaking to Nabal would change nothing. Her speech is a classic example of a persuasive address in the Near East, and it drips with wisdom. Her primary goal is to remind David of his identity as the Lord's anointed, then she urges him to behave accordingly. Read the following slowly, thoughtfully:

She fell at his feet and said, "On me alone, my lord, be the blame. And please let your maidservant speak to you, and listen to the words of your maidservant. Please do not let my lord pay attention to this worthless man, Nabal, for as his name is, so is he. Nabal is his name and folly is with him; but I your maidservant did not see the young men of my lord whom you sent.

"Now therefore, my lord, as the LORD lives, and as your soul lives, since the LORD has restrained you from shedding blood, and from avenging yourself by your own hand, now then let your enemies and those who seek evil against my lord, be as Nabal. Now let this gift which your maidservant has brought to my lord be given to the young men who accompany my lord. Please forgive the transgression of your maidservant; for the LORD will certainly make for my lord an enduring house, because my lord is fighting the battles of the LORD, and evil will not be found in you all your days. Should anyone rise up to pursue you and to seek your life, then the life of my lord shall be bound in the bundle of the living with the LORD your God; but the lives of your enemies He will sling out as from the hollow of a sling. And when the LORD does for my lord according to all the good that He has spoken concerning you, and appoints you ruler over Israel, this will not cause grief or a troubled heart to my lord, both by having shed blood without cause and by my lord having avenged himself. When the LORD deals well with my lord, then remember your maidservant."

1 SAMUEL 25:24–31, emphasis added

In effect, she said, "David, look ahead! You're not even thirty! You can afford to return good for evil because you are God's choice to become the king of Israel. Don't stain your reputation before you take the throne. Our God will bless you if you behave like the king you are. Besides, the battle is the Lord's. Let Him deal with Nabal."

Now observe David's response:

Then David said to Abigail, "Blessed be the LORD God of Israel, who sent you this day to meet me, and blessed be your discernment, and blessed be you, who have kept me this day from bloodshed and from avenging myself by my own hand. Nevertheless, as the LORD God of Israel lives, who has restrained me from harming you, unless you had come quickly to meet me, surely there would not have been left to Nabal until the morning light as much as one male."

1 SAMUEL 25:32–34

Two bullheaded men were about to clash over what was essentially a common courtesy, and David was ready to murder a man because he wounded his pride. In this story, we don't see much of a difference in character between David and Nabal . . . until the climax. The difference is small, but it makes all the difference. Whereas Nabal wouldn't listen to reproof, David did. Don't miss the profound gratitude he expressed to Abigail. She not only saved her husband's neck, but she also saved David's. F. B. Meyer, in his chapter on David, appropriately calls this episode in David's Life, "A Cool Hand on a Hot Head."¹

Scripture calls David "a man after God's heart." Obviously that can't mean that he was perfect, as this story clearly illustrates. He was impatient. He was rash. He was passionate. He was a man who had many women before his death. Far from being perfect, being a man after God's heart means that whatever touches the heart of God also touches the heart of David. Whatever moves God to acts of compassion or judgment also moves David. The heart of David beat in sync with God's. Abigail reminded the future king of this relationship with the Lord, and as she spoke, his anger melted away.

So David received from her hand what she had brought him and said to her, "Go up to your house in peace. See, I have listened to you and granted your request."

1 SAMUEL 25:35

Catastrophe averted. Nabal lives to insult again, and David avoids gaining a reputation for being a capricious tyrant before taking the throne. And both men have the wisdom and tact of Abigail to thank.

The end.

Wait. That's a wonderful story as it is. But there's more. Obedience usually requires us to sacrifice something we want in favor of what God desires. And when we obey, He delights to surprise us with a far greater blessing than the one we gave up. This story is no exception:

Then Abigail came to Nabal, and behold, he was holding a feast in his house, like the feast of a king. And Nabal's heart was merry within him, for he was very drunk; so she did not tell him anything at all until the morning light.

1 SAMUEL 25:36

After this courageous act of wisdom and grace, wouldn't it have been wonderful if Abigail could have come home to tell Nabal what she had done for him? Even better, wouldn't it have been great if he had put his arms around her and thanked her for saving his neck? Instead she came home to a beer party and a drunk husband. He had no idea that death was breathing down his collar just a few hours before. He had no idea how great a prize he had in the person of Abigail. In fact, considering her situation, she would have been much better off to allow Nabal's foolishness to catch up to him and take his life.

My heart goes out to mismatched mates, who struggle to make it through the week, craving the slightest affirmation. If that's where you are, you're still waiting for kind words to come your way. I've dealt with married couples in which one partner or the other is all-consuming in his or her selfishness. So self-centered, self-contained, self-concerned, not even gracious enough to recognize the everyday blessing of a faithful mate.

Let me go a step further. I've buried some people only to have their mates whisper to me, "I don't know why it just now dawns on me all the things she meant to me." In light of that, allow me to offer this simple advice: don't wait until your husband or wife is gone before you say, "Thank you for all you do. I don't even want to think about what life would be without you. I love you." In fact, be specific. Name the reasons you appreciate your partner.

Poor Abigail didn't receive any of that. Seeing her husband's condition, she decided to let him sleep it off. It's probable that after the hours of preparation, riding, pleading, and after the sudden release of emotions, this wonderful woman fell into her bed, exhausted, and cried herself to sleep. The music and the drunken howls of Nabal and his cohorts no doubt drowned out the sensible voice in her head telling her that she did the right thing. She saved her vile husband's neck by appealing to the honor of the man—a real man—who would have freed her from future heartache.

But in the morning, when the wine had gone out of Nabal, his wife told him these things, and his heart died within him so that he became as a stone. About ten days later, the LORD struck Nabal and he died.

1 SAMUEL 25:37–38

I want to proceed with caution and avoid misapplying Scripture. We have to accept that this story, like many in the Bible, describes extraordinary events in order to teach us important principles. The death of any human being is not something to be taken lightly; but frankly, if this were a movie, the audience would be cheering.

THE RESOLUTION

David left justice in the hands of God. Abigail entrusted her future to Him. Both sacrificed a foreseeable future that looked attractive to them, yet they chose to do what was right. After the Lord brought justice down on the man named Fool, His plan could be seen clearly. It was there all the while, standing just behind the door of obedience.

If you're a fan of fairytale endings, you'll love this story. If this were the last few minutes of a movie, you don't want the credits to roll with Abigail wasting away in front of her tent, watching sheep graze in the distance. Where's the "happily ever after" in that? Take note of David's reaction to the news:

When David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, "Blessed be the LORD, who has pleaded the cause of my reproach from the hand of Nabal and has kept back His servant from evil. The LORD has also returned the evildoing of Nabal on his own head." Then David sent a proposal to Abigail, to take her as his wife. When the servants of David came to Abigail at Carmel, they spoke to her, saying, "David has sent us to you to take you as his wife." She arose and bowed with her face to the ground and said, "Behold, your maidservant is a maid to wash the feet of my lord's servants." Then Abigail quickly arose, and rode on a donkey, with her five maidens who attended her; and she followed the messengers of David and became his wife.

1 SAMUEL 25:39–42

Once David stepped through the door of obedience, he saw the Lord's plan and pursued the blessing that lay before him. Abigail wasted no time either. I can't blame either of them! Abigail's actions demonstrated that she was an extraordinary woman, a wife that a king would be a fool to overlook. David's actions demonstrated that he was a real man—a man strong enough to realize he was wrong to take a wise rebuke to heart, examine his choices, trust the Lord, and do what is right in God's eyes.

Some might question the timing. Nabal's funeral is barely over and these two have known each other for only minutes. But don't forget that these are not twenty-first-century, urbanite lovers. Marriage in those days was motivated more by honor and duty than love. Ancient Near Eastern society was not kind to widows, even rich ones. And life on the southern frontier of Israel was a dangerous place for anyone not equipped to fight.

David saw a widow in need, who also happened to be an uncommonly good and insightful woman. Abigail saw a protector to preserve her estate, who also happened to be a man after God's heart. This was a match made in heaven.

Over the years, I have learned that, when making big decisions, tradition and conventional wisdom should be taken seriously. Grieving the loss of a mate takes time, usually about three years (some suggest five) before a person can even begin to think and function normally, much less contribute to a new relationship. I have seen far too many jump out there too quickly, and someone's heart winds up getting crushed. My advice: listen! Listen to those wise people who love you and have demonstrated that they have your best interest in first place. If they say wait, then wait.

On the other hand, let's be careful about etching those hard-and-fast rules in stone. Tradition and conventional wisdom should be taken seriously, but let's leave room for God to do the unusual. Miracles are, by their very nature, precious and rare enough without our trying to quash them. David and Abigail demonstrated uncommon faith, choosing to set aside a future they would make for themselves. Consequently, God moved quickly to bless both of them rather than make them wait.

THE MORALS OF THE STORY

Each character points us to a lasting lesson. After all, God's stories are not merely for entertainment, though the entertainment value is high. He preserved these narratives for our spiritual development.

From David, we learn that rash reactions never pay off. David's quick-tempered reaction almost led him to murder. Just think, if David had killed Nabal in a fit of passion, his proposal and marriage to Abigail would have tainted his reputation. I can only imagine how differently Israel's history might have played out if David had failed this test of self-control. Thanks be to God that he was the kind of man who would listen to others.

For all I know, even as you read this, you have a plan that you are ready to put into operation. It's a passionate act. I warn you, if it's rash, it's wrong. Stop! Rash actions never pay off. Think through the consequences. Sleep on it. Seek wise counsel . . . and then listen. You've spent your time only on one side of the dilemma. Force yourself to look at it through another set of eyes. If you find yourself frequently on the defensive, and you're feeling all alone in your perspective, recognize that your perspective is the one that should be doubted. Act on raw and shallow emotions, and you are going to bring pain on yourself that will hurt for years to come.

From Nabal we learn that insensitive mates leave untold heartache all around them. This applies to wives who rob their husbands of dignity and respect with their continual criticism and generally dismissive attitude. Don't fool yourself into thinking that because you love him, he doesn't need to feel your respect and admiration. To him, love and respect are the same. When you criticize him, or insult him, or fail to trust him, it causes untold heartache. The tragedy is that you may never know it. (Don't ask him. He won't tell you.)

This applies to husbands who strip their wives of self-worth and value by dismissing their counsel and failing to see their positive qualities. Communication is to a woman what physical intimacy is to a man. To dismiss her when she talks is no less demoralizing to her than when she rejects your advances. Do that over a long enough period of time, and she will eventually get the message and stop trying, just like Abigail. And, trust me, men, when a woman stops trying to talk to you, your marriage is in deep trouble. The tragedy is that some of you may never know it. Your own insensitivity is keeping you in the dark.

Let me take this a step further. Your insensitivity not only crushes your wife, but it could also lead to your own destruction. Nabal remained insensitive to those who protected his flock. And the earthquake that shook the hills of Paran could have led to his own demise. He was also insensitive to his wife so that when he was in danger, she could not even come to him with the warning.

If you happen to be a Nabal, please . . . wake up! God has given you a gift beyond compare in that wife of yours. He's given her a gift for insight, which I have learned to heed from my wife in our fifty years of marriage. I became much more successful once I began giving my wife's perspective equal weight with my own.

From Abigail we learn that wise partners make the best use of timing and tact. When Abigail sensed danger, no one had to tell her to move swiftly. Wisdom knows when to slow down and evaluate all angles of a situation, and also when to seize a moment before it slips away. She hurried to put that meal together. She acted swiftly to catch the moment before it was gone. Almost without exception, timing is everything.

And when she saw murder in David's eyes, she spoke courageously, though calmly. She carefully chose her words, not to win the argument, but to put David in the very best position to hear and heed her counsel. And when she finished her task, she returned home without speaking a word to Nabal. It wasn't the right time. First light was better.

As you turn the last page of this chapter, do yourself a favor. Bookmark this place, put the book down, and ask your married partner several pointed questions. I'll suggest a few to get you started, or you can come up with your own, then simply listen. Listen. Don't defend, don't try to explain how he or she came by that opinion. Listen.

Start with these questions:

• When do I make you feel good about yourself and us? When do I make you feel the worst?

• If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? What would you want changed about me?

• If I am about to make a terrible mistake, how likely are you to tell me? What would keep you from doing that?

• Do you feel like I value your judgment? Please be honest with me. I want to know.

One more time, let me urge you to listen to the mate God has given you. Who knows? One day he or she may save your neck. Literally!

QUESTIONS FOR GROWTH GROUPS

Receiving advice can be hard.  When you need counsel to whom do you turn?

Prov 27:6        Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.

1.When has a wound helped you?

2.What words in the text introduce Nabal? 

3.What provoked David to a rash reaction?

4.Proverbs 15: 1 A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.

How does this verse summarise the situation?

5.In 1 Samuel verses 23-31 how does Abigail appeal to David against acting violently?

6.How was David's heart changed?

7."Rash Reactions Never Pay Off"… please explain.

8.How do we find God's will when we are provoked?

9.How has this study been helpful to you?