Thursday, November 12, 2026
Titus 3 Method
Titus 3:9-11 CSB [9] But avoid foolish debates, genealogies, quarrels, and disputes about the law, because they are unprofitable and worthless. [10] Reject a divisive person after a first and second warning. [11] For you know that such a person has gone astray and is sinning; he is self-condemned. … WAYS TO USE THE GRAY ROCK METHOD WITH A NARCISSIST One of the hardest things to accept about narcissistic people is this: Many of them feed emotionally off reactions. The anger. The tears. The defending. The explaining. The emotional outbursts. The frustration. That emotional energy becomes part of the control dynamic. This is why the Gray Rock method exists. The goal is not to “win” against them emotionally. The goal is to become emotionally uninteresting to manipulate. When a narcissistic person realizes they can easily provoke you, they learn exactly which buttons to keep pressing. They study your reactions closely. They notice what hurts you, what upsets you, what triggers fear, guilt, anger, jealousy, or emotional desperation. So one of the most powerful things you can do is stop giving them emotional access to your reactions. That does not mean you become rude. It means you become emotionally neutral. Short answers. Calm tone. No emotional explaining. No defending yourself endlessly. No emotional performances. If they try to provoke you, bait you, insult you, or create drama, do not emotionally feed the situation. Many narcissistic people become frustrated when they cannot pull strong reactions from you anymore because chaos often gives them a sense of control. Another part of Gray Rock is keeping conversations boring and surface-level whenever contact is necessary. Talk about basic things only. Simple errands. Work schedules. Laundry. Traffic. Appointments. The weather. Avoid sharing deeply personal information they can later weaponize. Do not overshare your happiness, relationships, plans, achievements, healing, vacations, finances, or exciting news if you know they use information to create jealousy, sabotage, criticism, or emotional chaos. And yes, they may still test you. They may say hurtful things intentionally. They may blame you unfairly. They may try to trigger guilt. They may try to pull you into arguments. The purpose is often emotional engagement. Not resolution. Gray Rock works best when you stop trying to convince emotionally manipulative people to suddenly become emotionally reasonable. Because many survivors waste years trying to explain pain to someone committed to misunderstanding them. Now, one important clarification: Gray Rock is not about losing your identity or accepting abuse forever. It is a temporary emotional protection strategy often used when complete no-contact is impossible, especially in situations involving co-parenting, work, family, or legal issues. And it does not mean you agree with everything they say internally. It means you stop emotionally volunteering your peace into endless psychological battles. Sometimes protecting your mental health means learning when emotional disengagement is safer than emotional confrontation. Because not every fight deserves your nervous system. Protect your peace wisely. © 2026 Mental Health with Omoye. All rights reserved. Do not copy, just reshare. #narcissisticabuse #mentalhealthwithomoye #grayrock #emotionalabuse #fblifestyle
Scapegoat under narcissist
The scapegoat is always the one who sees through the narcissist’s performance — not because they’re rebellious, but because their eyes were never fooled to begin with. In a toxic family or relationship, they become the person who notices the cracks in the mask, the inconsistencies in the stories, and the quiet cruelty hiding beneath the charm. That clarity is dangerous in a system built on lies, and that’s exactly why the narcissist singles them out. While everyone else remains dazzled by fake humility, exaggerated victimhood, or manufactured kindness, the scapegoat is the one who senses the truth. They ask the questions no one else will ask. They refuse to bend the narrative just to keep the peace. Their honesty becomes a threat, their insight a weapon the narcissist cannot control — so they’re punished for seeing what others refuse to acknowledge. To protect their fragile ego, the narcissist flips the script. They smear the scapegoat, twist the truth, and assign blame to the one person who refuses to live in their illusion. It’s misdirection at its finest: “Don’t look at my behavior — look at them.” And over time, the scapegoat becomes the emotional dumping ground for everything the narcissist cannot face within themselves. But here’s the irony: the scapegoat is usually the healthiest soul in the entire system. They’re the one who can differentiate truth from manipulation, authenticity from performance. They’re the one who refuses to pretend everything is fine when it’s not. In a dysfunctional environment, this sensitivity feels like a curse — but once they break free, it becomes their greatest asset. Because when the scapegoat finally escapes, something powerful happens. They evolve. They rebuild. They heal. And in healing, they carry a strength the narcissist will never possess: the courage to break generational patterns instead of repeating them. They learn to live openly, honestly, and without masks — and that freedom is something no narcissist can ever take away. And as they grow, the scapegoat transforms their pain into wisdom. They build boundaries, choose healthier relationships, and create a life rooted in truth. What once made them a target becomes the very thing that sets them apart: the ability to see clearly, love deeply, and rise above the dysfunction that tried to define them.
Wednesday, November 11, 2026
Narcissistic attacks
NARCISSISTIC PEOPLE DO THESE WHEN THEY HATE YOU TOO MUCH 1. THEY TURN PEOPLE AGAINST YOU Example: People who once supported you suddenly become distant after hearing their version of events. 2. THEY TRY TO DESTROY YOUR REPUTATION Example: They tell family, friends, church members, and coworkers stories designed to make you look like the villain. 3. THEY USE YOUR SECRETS AS WEAPONS Example: Personal struggles, mistakes, and private conversations are shared to embarrass or discredit you. 4. THEY ATTACK YOUR CONFIDENCE Example: They constantly criticize your appearance, intelligence, parenting, career, or worth. 5. THEY TWIST EVERYTHING YOU SAY Example: Even innocent comments are turned into evidence that you are the problem. 6. THEY PROVOKE YOU ON PURPOSE Example: They push your emotional buttons until you react, then use your reaction against you. 7. THEY PLAY THE VICTIM Example: After causing harm, they convince others that they are the one being mistreated. 8. THEY REWRITE HISTORY Example: Years of your support and sacrifice are erased and replaced with a completely different story. 9. THEY TARGET WHAT YOU LOVE MOST Example: Your children, reputation, career, friendships, faith, or peace become targets. 10. THEY BECOME OBSESSED WITH WINNING Example: The goal is no longer resolving the conflict—the goal becomes defeating you. 11. THEY ENJOY YOUR PAIN Example: Your struggles, setbacks, and disappointments seem to bring them satisfaction. 12. THEY REFUSE TO LET GO Example: Even years later, they continue talking about you, monitoring you, or trying to affect your life. 13. THEY RECRUIT FLYING MONKEYS Example: Other people suddenly start pressuring, criticizing, or spying on you for them. 14. THEY HATE YOUR HEALING Example: Seeing you happy, peaceful, successful, and moving on frustrates them deeply. 15. THEY TRY TO STEAL YOUR PEACE Example: Just when life becomes calm, they create fresh drama, confusion, or chaos. Healthy people leave when they no longer want a relationship. Toxic people sometimes stay emotionally attached to the conflict because hatred, control, and revenge become more important than peace. © Mental Health with Omoye. All rights reserved. Do not copy, just reshare. #mentalhealthwithomoye #fblifestyle #narcissisticabuse #healingjourney #toxicpeople
Reaching the lost
This is a good thoughtful article. For nearly 50 years I have grappled with issues of why churches do or do not grow. Coming from a background where my parents were very nominal Christians (never attended a church, we’re more interested in astrology and the beach than anything else), I have always been anxious that the vast number of unsaved people in Australia (about 97% of the total population) should turn to the Lord Jesus Christ as their Saviour. One issue is that many churches “fish” in very small pools (contacts of the local churches through children or youth programmes). Another issue is that we are very por at following up contacts and very slow to present the gospel: we make bridges to the lost but never cross the bridges with the gospel. Consider these thoughts from Chuck Lawless 8 Self-Evaluation Questions about Our Burden for Non-Believers By Chuck Lawless on Nov 10, 2026 I had recently stood in a region of the world where folks do not consider the God of the Bible to be God. Seeing the masses broke me like I had been broken only once before in my life. I saw afresh my loved ones, my neighbors, and the nations who do not know Jesus. Honest, painful reflection forces me to admit, though, that I still sometimes lose my passion for the lost. For that reason, I’ve framed these questions I think are worth all of us asking: Am I cocooned among believers? I work among Christians. I hang out with Christians. Without intentionality to connect with non-believers, I can easily live in a Christian bubble. Is that your situation? Is my world too small? My ministry is wrapped up in students, churches, and cross-cultural workers. I travel the nations teaching and training, but I still live in my world doing my ministry, striving to accomplish my goals. Somehow, I forget that I’m a speck among billions of people who don’t know Jesus. What about you? Do I see the crowds wrongly? Perhaps that’s where my brokenness has hurt the most. Jesus saw the crowds as sheep without a shepherd (Matt 9:36). I tend to see the crowds as people who will read my blog posts, buy my books, praise my teaching (I hope), and send students to my seminary. That’s an agonizing recognition and confession. Do I love the lost like I should? If I believe a personal relationship with Jesus is the only way to know God and escape eternal judgment, I should want to tell others. If I don’t tell the story, I’m standing for biblical truths I unlovingly choose to keep to myself. That’s tough for any of us to admit. Have I allowed grace to become routine? The childlike faith that filled me with awe as a young believer has been overshadowed by the day-to-day routine of an older believer. I’ve written about being amazed by Jesus, but I’ve recognized that I, too, can lose my wonder. How is your wonder? Do I reflect enough on obedience as a witness? I love reading the Word each day. I’m realizing, however, that I sometimes study for the sake of reading and writing – not always for the sake of living out and telling the gospel. I don’t always reflect well on the necessity and joy of obedience that points to transforming grace. What about you? Have I made evangelism only corporate? Seldom am I not preaching somewhere on a given Sunday. That schedule allows me to share the story of Christ every week. I’m grateful for those opportunities, but I can reduce evangelism to telling the story only from the safe distance of the pulpit rather than face-to-face. Do you do the same? Do I have anyone praying that I will share the gospel boldly? That was the apostle Paul’s request of the Ephesian believers (Eph 6:18-20). If Paul needed that kind of prayer support to be evangelistic, might we need it, too? Fellow believers, how do you answer these questions?
Monday, November 09, 2026
Ken Churchward : Grief
Opening and closing the door on grief
- Ken Churchward •
- 1 July 2002
Grief is a bundle of quite complex negative emotions. It is a bit like darkness inside. It needs to be let out—it needs to be expressed in whatever way is appropriate to our own personality and temperament when the time comes. When grief comes upon us, as surely it will (and probably it will come a number of times) in the course of our lifetime, we need to open the door, and keep the door open for long enough for the grief (the darkness) to get out. Sometimes we may need someone to open the door for us and to hold it open. For various reasons, it is sometimes difficult to open the door, and sometimes the door keeps trying to close itself.
_There are a number of things we can do for ourselves to help us through our times of grief in a healthy, constructive and godly way. And there are a number of ways others can help us in our times of grief. We may well need their help. Of course, the converse of that is true: there are a number of things that we can actually do, if we are aware, to help other people with their grieving. Surely that is a good and godly thing to do. We should try to learn how to do it.
_In this brief article, I explore the nature of grief, how grief heals and what can hinder that healing, and ways of ministering to others who are grieving.
_What grief is
_What is grief? Grief is the single word we use to cover a whole cluster of emotions we experience when we lose someone or something that has an important place in the emotional fabric of our lives. Grief is made up of a number of components such as sorrow, loneliness, fear, despair, anger, confusion and guilt. These components rise and fall from time to time in the experience of grief. Sometimes one particular emotion is much more prominent than the others: the emotions rise and fall and the shape of grief constantly changes. The experience of grief is obviously felt more strongly the more our lives are involved with that someone or something and the closer our attachment.
_Sometimes the very foundations of our lives are shaken, and we experience a deep and profound sorrow—an overwhelming sorrow and a confusion almost bordering on despair and hopelessness. That probably would be a good description of my grief experience back in July 1991. After a two-year struggle, my wife Betty died of cancer, and this grieving experience was further complicated by the fact that two of my daughters (Jenny, 25 and Narelle, 32) were killed in a head-on car accident eight days before Betty died. I had pastored and taught courses in pastoral care before 1991, but this massive grieving experience has certainly shaped my own reflection on the topic.
_Grief is not limited to traumatic events like those I experienced, or even necessarily to the death of some person we love. We experience grief in childhood: the loss of a child-time pet is often a grief experience in a child. We experience grief as adults when we move house or job, and leave behind familiar people and places. We even experience grief when we lose some object that has emotional or sentimental value. We experience grief with lost expectations—for example, being made redundant, failing an exam, missing out on a promotion, not achieving a cherished goal, retiring and leaving behind the familiar workplace and friends. People also experience grief with their advancing years and the loss of faculties. It should be clear that we meet grieving people quite often—not just when a death occurs. We may grieve a death, but we also grieve an illness, an absence, a change, a significant loss of any kind. We need to be aware of that and seek to recognize the needs of people who are suffering grief. “No man is an island”, wrote John Donne, the 17th-century English poet and preacher. We really can't live a full life without some network of human relationships. This very network of human relationships inevitably involves the experience of grief. Indeed, to avoid grief we would have to live in total isolation from relationships with other people, cut off like islands: “a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries”, as Simon and Garfunkel sang. But most of us don't want to live that sort of life, and so we are inevitably exposed to the possibility of grief. Our most significant grief experiences revolve around people.
_There are at least three components to grief. There is an emotional component—intense feelings of sadness, loss, loneliness and despair—which will vary in intensity and impact from person to person. There is a psychological component, where the grief affects our mental processes: it may be difficult to make decisions; a person may ‘break down’, as we say. And there is a practical component: we lose people and things that have structured our lives, and we have to learn new ways of living.
_Christians and grieving
_Christians grieve too. It is important to remember that although, as Christians, Christ is at the centre of our lives as Saviour and Lord, that doesn't negate the importance of other things and other people in our lives. In fact, our relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ should make us more sensitive people all round—more human and not less. I emphasize this because of triumphalist Christianity that says that if we are genuine Christians, our lives will be above being affected by changing circumstances, and that trials and troubles, sorrows and losses will be water off a duck's back. I think that is directly contrary to the teaching and certainly the example of the Lord Jesus Christ, who is our example in all things. He was literally one of us and, in fact, far more human than we are. Our humanness is marred and diminished by sin; we are broken people, and we live as part of a broken world.
_If the Lord Jesus Christ is our model—if he is the kind of humanity that he is moving us back towards being as he recreates by the presence of his Spirit within—then we should expect to find ourselves becoming people who are more affected by life's events, not less.
_How grief heals
_How do we deal with grief in a healthy, constructive and godly way? In a book called Beyond Grief, the author John Holm says that grief is the illness that heals itself. I'm not sure that I like the word ‘illness’; I prefer to use the word ‘hurt’. Grief is the hurt that heals itself. In another book, Good Grief, Granger Westburg describes ten stages through which a person might move towards the feeling of their grief. This book is well worth reading. The ten stages are:
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- Shock _
- Painful emotions _
- Depression and loneliness _
- Physical symptoms _
- Anxiety or panic _
- Sense of guilt _
- Hostility and resentment _
- Inability to return to usual activities _
- Hope _
- Adjusting to new realities _
It is important to remember that not everybody experiences all of these stages, nor are they necessarily experienced in this order. The fact is that there is no standard experience of grief. There are a number of common factors. There are relatively common stages that grieving people move through. The process is usually slow, but in the end, a balanced, meaningful and happy life should emerge out of the ashes of grief. Life can be good again. I am so grateful to someone who kept telling me that.
_After I was through the initial stages of grief, from six weeks onward for the next six months, this person constantly told me that life can be good again. When the appropriate time comes, we need to keep feeding people hope. Hope needs to grow again. Life on the other side of grief will never be the same again, but like a plant that has been pruned, it will grow to a new shape and flower again.
_Grief usually ‘heals itself’, but there are two dangers. The first is that we suppress our grief rather than living through it. This very often leads to illness—physical, psychological, emotional or mental illness. In the midst of grief, when those deep feelings of sorrow and hurt rise up inside, it is easy to rationalize a need to do this or that. It is easy to suddenly push them away by this process of rationalizing the need to do other things. When my mother died in 1977, I was on the faculty of the Bible College of Victoria. I immediately threw myself back into college life. I became aggressive, and my arthritis flared up. I asked myself the question, “What am I doing wrong?” I had a look at my notes on grief. Believe it or not, I was actually tutoring the stuff at the Bible college. It is surprising how theoretical we can become at times! I decided that what had happened was that I had suppressed my grief. So a year later, I had to go back to Woronora Cemetery and visit my mother's grave, and begin to do the grieving that I should have done a year before.
_The second danger concerning grief is that we surrender to it. Surrendering to grief is the opposite of suppressing our grief. This happens when we indulge in self-pity and deliberately withdraw from life because of our pain. We might withdraw from people and different activities and responsibilities, and close the door on life.
_The comfort of God
_Grief works its way to the surface over a long period of time. I still sometimes have experiences of grief. When I see a red Toyota Corolla driving down the road, I remember that that was the car that Jenny, Todd and Narelle were in when the fatal accident occurred, and I find myself catching my breath and feeling the grief again. Passing North Shore Hospital in Sydney brings the same sort of feeling, for it was there that Betty went through most of her cancer treatment, and near here is where she died.
_In our experience of grief, I believe there is a process that God wants us to go through. Our loss leads to grief, which leads to crying out to God, which leads to receiving help, which leads to growth, which leads to ministry. I think that this is a pattern by which God deals with us as we make our way through life:
___Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our afflictions, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted from God (2 Cor 1:3-4).
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What can we do to open the door for those who have experienced loss? What can we do to help the grieving?
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- Practical support at the initial shock stage. Just be there and give practical help in the background. When my two girls died and Betty was in and out of hospital for eight days, people came and answered the door and phone, took messages, cooked meals and brought food to share with visitors. Practical help at this stage is of immense value. _
- Expressing sympathy. Initially this can be done by a word at the door, a phone call or a sympathy card. But I would encourage you to do more than that. A week after a person has suffered loss, write them a letter. Think about what you write carefully; say all the things that you can't say when you are face-to-face with the person, stuck for words and don't know what to say. Tell them how much the person who has died meant to you and how you feel for them in their sorrow. One of the most precious things about the time I spent at Shoalhaven Heads was reading the letters. The cards were valuable, but it was the letters that really ministered to me. _
- Encourage expressions of loss. Don't chatter, don't attempt to distract, just be there. Encourage and accept genuine expressions of sorrow; don't be embarrassed by tears. Talk about the person who has died. Hold the door open. _
- Encourage the person to take time to grieve and not to rush back into the busy schedule of life too soon. Often people expect to be back at work or into their ordinary routine after only a few days after their loss. _
- Encourage persistence in Bible reading, prayer and church. My wife, Margaret, found it very hard to go back to church after the loss of her first husband; meeting with close friends almost inevitably involved an outburst of tears, which she found embarrassing. Margaret had two very good friends who called her constantly, encouraged her to attend church and Bible study, and keep up her Bible reading and prayer. People experiencing grief need to be encouraged to keep at the basics of the Christian life, trusting that God will see them through. _
- Help preserve good memories. Keep in contact with the person on a regular basis and, each time you see them, try to say something about the person who has died. Keep those good memories alive. Sometimes we hesitate to talk about the person who has died because we are afraid we might upset them. However, the reverse is almost always true: often the person experiencing the loss is delighted that someone remembers their loved one, because no-one talks about them any more. _
- Be a practical, ongoing helper. People do need practical help in their ongoing experience of grief. Cooking meals, doing the ironing, mowing lawns and other ways of helping out practically mean a great deal to the grieving person. _
- Recall James's words about the importance of caring for the grieving: “religion that is pure and undefiled before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world” (Jas 1:27). Responding to grief really is at the core of living for Jesus in this broken world.
Types of narcissists
8 TYPES OF NARCISSISTS 1. Grandiose Loud, confident, and attention-seeking, with a strong sense of superiority. They often dominate conversations, expect admiration, and react badly when they are not the center of attention. 2. Vulnerable (covert) Quiet and sensitive to criticism, often playing the victim while still feeling entitled. They may seem shy or hurt, yet resent others for not recognizing how special they believe they are. 3. Communal Seeks admiration by appearing generous, selfless, or morally superior. Their kindness is often public, and it can come with an expectation of praise and loyalty. 4. Malignant Combines narcissistic traits with cruelty, manipulation, and little remorse. They may enjoy control and can be especially harmful in close relationships. 5. Antagonistic Competitive, dismissive, and quick to put others down to feel powerful. They treat relationships like contests and often belittle people to stay on top. 6. Somatic Draws worth from their body, looks, fitness, or sexual appeal. Their value feels tied to how attractive or desirable others find them. 7. Cerebral Draws worth from intelligence, knowledge, and always being right. They may look down on others, avoid emotion, and turn conversations into debates they need to win. 8. Neglectful Emotionally absent and indifferent to the needs of others. They may not attack or insult, but they leave people feeling unseen, unheard, and unimportant. These are popular descriptions, not official diagnoses, and a person can show traits from more than one. © 2026 Mental Health with Omoye. All rights reserved.
Psychopaths
1. THEY STUDY YOUR WEAKNESSES They listen carefully, not always because they care, but because they are collecting information they can use later. 2. THEY LIE WITH CONFIDENCE They can lie while looking calm, innocent, spiritual, loving, or wounded. 3. THEY HAVE NO REAL REMORSE They can hurt people, destroy lives, betray trust, and still act like nothing serious happened. 4. THEY ENJOY CONTROL They do not just want love or respect. They want power over your emotions, choices, money, body, mind, and freedom. 5. THEY FAKE EMOTIONS WELL They can cry, apologize, smile, or act broken when it benefits them, but the emotion disappears when control returns. 6. THEY HAVE A CHARMING PUBLIC IMAGE Outsiders may see them as kind, generous, intelligent, successful, or respectable while you see the darkness behind closed doors. 7. THEY DO NOT RESPECT BOUNDARIES Your “no” irritates them. Your independence threatens them. Your boundaries make them feel challenged. 8. THEY BLAME EVERYONE ELSE Nothing is ever their fault. They always have a reason, excuse, victim story, or person to blame. 9. THEY USE FEAR TO CONTROL PEOPLE They may use threats, intimidation, rage, silence, exposure, shame, or consequences to keep people trapped. 10. THEY ENJOY HUMILIATING OTHERS They may mock, embarrass, belittle, or degrade people and then act like it was only a joke. 11. THEY ARE CALM AFTER CAUSING CHAOS While everyone else is confused, crying, shaking, or trying to fix things, they may look strangely peaceful. 12. THEY ARE EXTREMELY CALCULATED Their actions may look random, but many times they are planned to confuse, isolate, punish, or control. 13. THEY USE PEOPLE WITHOUT GUILT People are not loved deeply. They are useful, entertaining, profitable, attractive, loyal, or disposable. 14. THEY PUNISH PEOPLE WHO EXPOSE THEM The moment you see through them, they may try to ruin your name, your peace, your confidence, or your support system. 15. THEY MAKE YOU FEEL UNSAFE IN YOUR BODY Your body may react before your mind accepts the truth. Anxiety, tension, fear, confusion, and dread around them can be warning signs. A dangerous person is not always loud Sometimes they are calm Charming Helpful Religious Successful And respected by everyone outside But behind closed doors They leave people afraid, confused, controlled, and emotionally damaged Watch patterns Trust your body Protect your peace And if you feel unsafe, seek support immediately © Mental Health with Omoye.
Sunday, November 08, 2026
Preaching.
Reminds me of an abuser who has written of his desire to become a counsellor or chaplain.
Psychopaths and narcissists.
Saturday, November 07, 2026
Empathy narcissists
WHY EMPATHS ATTRACT NARCISSISTS Empaths don’t attract narcissists because they’re weak. They attract narcissists because they carry a rare combination of emotional depth, intuition, and compassion that narcissists crave — but can never create within themselves. Empaths are everything a narcissist is not, and that contrast becomes a magnet. 1. Empaths want peace — narcissists thrive in chaos. Empaths try to fix arguments, soften tone, calm energy, apologize first. Narcissists use conflict to regain control. The empath thinks harmony is the goal. The narcissist thinks dominance is the goal. You cannot “love” someone into emotional maturity. 2. Empaths mistake intensity for connection. Narcissists love-bomb with passion and intensity. To an empath, it feels like emotional alignment. They believe they’ve found someone who “feels” as deeply as they do — until that intensity turns into anger, withdrawal, jealousy, or manipulation. The truth? It was never depth. It was control wearing the costume of love. 3. Empaths are nurturers — narcissists need constant emotional feeding. Empaths soothe. Narcissists drain. Empaths listen. Narcissists monologue. Empaths validate. Narcissists demand. This dynamic creates a dangerous cycle: the empath becomes the healer… while the narcissist becomes the taker. 4. Empaths give love without keeping score — narcissists take without limits. An empath loves deeply, generously, and wholeheartedly. A narcissist absorbs love like a bottomless pit. The more the empath gives, the more the narcissist wants — and the more the empath feels responsible for “fixing” the relationship. A narcissist sees this not as love… but as opportunity. Empaths see the wounded child inside the narcissist. 5. Empaths believe in people’s potential — narcissists weaponize that hope. Empaths fall in love with: • who the narcissist could be • who they were during the love-bombing • who they desperately wish the narcissist would become Narcissists use this hope to keep the empath stuck. “You saw the good in me once… try harder. Love me more.” It’s manipulation disguised as possibility. 6. Narcissists choose empaths because they are the easiest to break… and the hardest to replace. A narcissist knows an empath will: • forgive • understand • over-explain • excuse • stay longer than they should But once an empath wakes up… they become the one person the narcissist can never control again. Sent from my iPhone
Damage
6 Signs Your Church Is Dysfunctional September 9, 2026 By Ed Stetzer
I have run across several people in dysfunctional churches and unhealthy organizations. Having worked in some such settings myself, I have seen patterns that led me to start thinking … and writing. Maybe that is not such a good idea, but I think it is an important one. The issue is widespread and, although such organizations can actually do good, the harm they cause to many others is immeasurable.
I started thinking about writing about dysfunctional churches when a couple I know was approached about working at a prominent Christian organization. They expressed appreciation for how much good is done by this organization.
Yet, they were not interested because they knew people who worked there. And although everyone who worked there would readily say God was doing great things, they also used two phrases regularly: “we’re miserable” and “around here, you just keep your head down and do your job.”
And therein lies the quandary of dysfunctional churches: it often does good things on the outside while destroying the souls of those on the inside. So, how do you know if your Christian organization or church is dysfunctional? Let me share some signs I have observed about dysfunctional churches.
6 Signs of Dysfunctional Churches
1. The church or organizational culture does not value those serving, just those leading and the function of the organization.
When ministry leaders see people as tools rather than partners, the end result is that people are used to serve the purpose rather than being part of the purpose. They are the tools, but they don’t matter—only the leaders matter.
2. The leader is the only one who is allowed to think.
The followers are to implement and nothing more. As the organization grows and the leader’s bandwidth does not, decisions are delayed and delayed because other leaders cannot make them.
At one place, they refer to the leader’s office as “the black hole to which ideas go to die.” All ideas have to be approved by the leader, and since that leader thinks only he/she has good ideas, no ideas come from the people.
3. The organization or church thinks everyone else is wrong and only they are right.
Thus, there is no value in other people or groups. There is a narrow group of the acceptable, and the “others” are not just wrong; they are stupid. Arrogance is almost always a mark of an unhealthy Christian organization.
4. People rationalize that the good they are experiencing is worth the abuse they are receiving.
Often, it is not until they have stepped away that they realize this was not true. This is one of the great lies that Christians are led to believe—that the end justifies the means.
Dysfunctional organizations are towers of cards: looking (and maybe doing) good now, but they will fall because eventually the truth comes out.
5. People often know of the glaring character problems of the leader, but no one can speak truth to power.
Often, I’ve noticed, these dynamic leaders are known for their anger, yet the organization fears (rather than addresses) the leader’s anger. In the end, the leader is unquestionable due to spiritual, apostolic, ecclesiastical, academic or some other power base.
6. Many times, the leader gets a pass for the fruit of his/her leadership because of some overwhelming characteristic: preaching ability, intelligence, ability to woo others or more.
Yet, the fruit remains below—a culture toxic to all who swim downstream. The leader is often seen (from the outside) as a great leader, but those inside know him/her as someone who is, well, more concerned about outside appearance than godly leadership.
To be blunt, I see this last issue more often than you might expect. Perhaps it is because of what I do, working with different denominations and groups. I’ve since served in healthy environments.. However, I think there is a significant issue out there—a lot of unhealthy Christian organizations are hurting those who serve within them.
Maybe you are in an unhealthy church or organization. I would like to write something more definitive (and I hope helpful) on the subject as I see it as a great need. If you are willing, share some other characteristics (and let me know if these characteristics I’ve shared are accurate).
If you do find yourself in an unhealthy Christian organization, I would encourage you to consider that God may want you to leave it. My own standard is this: Will staying here hurt my walk with God or harm my family?
You might be able to handle it, but you have to ask how it will impact your family as well. You may notice that the leader often talks about the priority of family, but generally only gives priority to his or her own family—if even them. You are the only one who is advocating for your family—protect them.
Being at a place that “makes a difference” sounds good, but if you end up with a confused spiritual life or broken family, it is just not worth the price. You do not want to be a “great place” and have a broken life because you have become warped by the culture around you.
That is indeed what happens. You can often see the impact on those close to the leader. An unhealthy Christian organization tends to have two things going on at the top of the organizations:
1. First, many of the best leaders leave (and the leader finds a way to spin their departure).
2. Second, the leaders that stay take on the unhealthy characteristics of the organization, becoming part of the problem (even though they often bemoan the attributes of the leader). In a sense, we reproduce who we are—creating “mini-me” personalities of the leader.
Yet, that is what the unhealthy leader wants—no one to disagree or give another idea. So, in all likelihood, your best scenario is to leave.
If you believe you need to leave, start praying and looking for another ministry opportunity. This recognition of a different future will likely ease the daily pain and struggle, and help you to face each day. When you know you are going to leave, you can deal with staying a lot easier—and I know this from personal experience. When I have been in unhealthy situations, once I decided I was going to leave I did not worry so much about what was going on around me. Either way, trust your future to Christ and he gives peace that passes all understanding.
However, the reality is, in some cases you may need to stay. If that is the case, and if you believe God wants you to stay, I’d suggest these attitudes.
4 Ways to Change Church Dysfunction
1. Don’t be afraid.
Fear makes you cower rather than live in courage. Recognize you are in an unhealthy organization, but don’t become an unhealthy servant. I assure you, this will make you stand out (and people will say bad things), but don’t be a coward for any reason.
2. Make a difference.
When I served in unhealthy places, I simply asked, “What can I do here, now?” And when you are not scurrying about in fear, you can get much done for the kingdom. I was able to encourage a lot of people—often those living in the same toxic culture.
3. Speak truth.
Don’t be afraid to tell the truth about the culture, and when appropriate, the leadership. There will probably be some pushback, or even retaliation, but as you tell the truth with grace and humility, you may be heard—or it may reveal that you need to go.
4. Recognize the Lord may have other reasons for keeping you in your position.
Perhaps you have another ministry in your city or church. If that is the case, contribute where you can in your job, recognize how it provides for your family, but focus your energies on your ministry. I know some who continue to work in unhealthy organizations, but stay out of devotion to their local church ministry or other calling. They endure the unhealthy organization to pursue their calling with joy.
These are not easy answers. It may be some are struggling in their places of service and don’t know where to turn. I encourage you to pray and seek the Lord’s wisdom in your calling. It may be that you will be called to do some difficult yet courageous things.
Have you left a ministry? Have you stayed? What was the result? Did you make the wise choice? What did you learn? Share your thoughts with us below.
